Do’s and don’ts of comforting a grieving person

Losing a loved one not only disrupts a person’s life; it permanently alters it. When someone you care about loses a loved one, it can be difficult to know what to say or how to offer comfort and support.

This is especially true if you have not yet experienced the loss of a loved one. There are several methods to help someone who is going through this difficult time.

Here are some ways you might help someone who is bereaved:

• Be a good listener. Sometimes the best thing you can offer to someone who is grieving is to listen. Assure the person that it is okay to talk about his or her feelings. Although you cannot erase the pain of the bereaved person’s loss, you can provide a great deal of comfort by being there to listen.
• Respect the person’s way of grieving. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone grieves in his or her own way. The sadness of loss, however, is universal.
• Accept mood swings. Be aware that a grieving person will have emotional ups and downs. Grief is often described as an emotional roller coaster. Someone who has just lost a loved one may feel fine one moment and overcome with emotion the next. This is a normal part of the grieving process.
• Avoid giving advice. It is best to avoid making suggestions about what the bereaved person should or shouldn’t do. Such advice is usually well meant, but it may make the bereaved person feel worse. Instead, let the person know that you recognize how great his or her loss is. For example, you might say, “This must be a difficult time for you,” or “How painful this must be for you and your family.”
• Refrain from trying to explain the loss. Words that are meant to console the bereaved can in some cases have the opposite effect. Avoid saying things like “Your loved one is in a better place,” “It is God’s will,” or “At least she or he is no longer suffering.” Listening is more helpful.
• Help out with practical tasks. A bereaved person may be glad to have help with activities like grocery shopping, preparing meals, making phone calls, doing laundry, babysitting and so on. Rather than saying, “Let me know if there is anything I can do to help,” offer assistance with specific tasks you are in a position to help with.
• Stay connected and available. There is no timetable for grief. People who are grieving need time to heal, so be patient. Let the bereaved person know that you will check in often. Even if he or she is not yet ready to talk or to be around others, simply knowing you’re there can be very comforting.
• Offer words that touch the heart. It’s natural to struggle with finding the right words. Simple words are often the best. For example, say: “I’m so sorry for your loss. How can I help?” No matter how unsure you may feel about the support you are offering, what matters most is that you are genuinely concerned and want to help. The bereaved person will likely appreciate your sincere efforts to be supportive.
• Let them cry. One of the most important aspects of the grieving process is the ability to express deep sadness and allow oneself to cry. Letting your friend cry shows them that you understand that crying is an important part of the grief process. It may be tempting to try to cheer your friend up or tell them not to cry, but remember, it is an important part of grief and healing. Often when people are discouraged from crying it is a reflection of the discomfort others have about witnessing that amount of pain. Think about the tears as a necessary part of the healing journey.
• Ask questions. Often people are hesitant about asking questions of a friend who is grieving, for fear of upsetting them or saying the wrong thing. Don’t be afraid to ask questions as it allows your friend to talk about their loved one openly. If you’re not sure what to ask or how, some grief discussion questions can help guide the way. Check in on your friend’s self-care, such as how they are sleeping and if they are getting enough to eat. Venture into how they are feeling emotionally and listen with compassion and care. Remember, you don’t have to fix anything — there is nothing you can do to make your friend’s pain go away — but your presence and compassion can make a world of difference.

• Be willing to sit in silence. Grief ushers in a variety of strong emotions, and sometimes a grieving person needs to sit in silence to regain a semblance of peace. It can be difficult to sit in silence, particularly when you know your friend is struggling with emotional pain. Resist the urge to fill the silence and make an effort to allow it space. Your presence is enough. By being there for your friend, you are showing your love and support, even if you sit quietly together and don’t say a word. Your silent presence may be more therapeutic than you realize.

The Don’ts

Like the helpful hints to support your grieving friend, there are also several reminders about behaviors to avoid. It is easy to stumble into non-helpful behaviors even when you have the best of intentions. Here are some thoughts on what not to do when someone is grieving and ways to handle situations that may feel difficult to navigate.

• Don’t be afraid to talk about the deceased person. Sometimes people have a misconception that talking about the deceased loved one will upset the bereaved. Most grieving people do want to talk about and think about their loved one who has passed, and by doing this, it helps facilitate the healing process.
• Ask questions about the lost loved one, like what were their hobbies? Ask about the memories that your friend treasures. It may be that you are one of the few people your friend feels free to talk about their loss with. Encourage the conversation and memories about the deceased and just listen.
• Don’t try to fix them. Grief is not a problem to be fixed. Your grieving friend only needs your loving support and presence. Attempting to do or say something to fix the situation will only leave you and your friend feeling more powerless. Remember that grief can’t be remedied by anything but time, support and compassion. If your friend feels you are trying to fix them or their feelings, they may start to view themselves as a problem, which may reduce their comfort in confiding in you and expressing their feelings openly.
• Don’t diminish their grief. Acknowledging grief is one of the most basic and powerful ways you can show your support. People may unintentionally diminish a loved one’s grief by saying, “You’ll get over it soon,” and “You’ll be fine.” The best way to honor someone’s true feelings and grief experiences is to ask how they feel and simply listen. Trying to decrease someone’s pain by minimizing it only makes them feel disconnected.
•  Don’t draw comparisons to your experience unless appropriate. To identify with their pain and offer support, you might be tempted to make comparisons about your losses in life. However, doing so is unnecessary and can often lead to frustration and anger for the person experiencing grief. While it may be true that you have also experienced loss, use discretion when interjecting your experience. Only share and draw comparisons if the loss is very similar to that of your friend. Drawing inappropriate comparisons about grief can result in your friend feeling minimized.
•  Don’t comment on their appearance. It may seem fairly benign to make a statement about a grieving person’s appearance, but these comments can be damaging. Refrain from telling your grieving friend that they look tired, depressed or sad. Even comments that are meant as complimentary may make your friend feel as though they are being judged.  Commenting on physical appearance is a common practice, but during your friend’s grief, even the most well-intentioned remark can feel harmful. Passing comments about a bereaved person looking drained only reinforces what they are feeling inside. Instead, offer your support and ask how you can help.
• Don’t push your faith on them. When a friend or loved one is grieving, it can feel compelling to share your religious or spiritual beliefs with them as a means of helping them feel better. Even though you want your friend to feel peace and comfort, resist the urge to talk about your faith with them. If your friend asks questions about your beliefs, share openly, but without pressing the matter.
• Avoid platitudes. Platitudes should be at the top of the list of things to avoid saying to someone grieving. Phrases such as, “They’re better off now,” and, “She wouldn’t want you to be sad,” should be banned from all conversations with the bereaved. These common statements are surely meant with good intentions, but only placate and minimize the feelings of the person who is grieving.
• Also, avoid impulsively asking generic questions like “how are you?” or other obvious questions. The best thing you can offer someone who is grieving is a hug, a listening ear and a compassionate presence. No combination of words will make your friend’s pain go away. Don’t worry about saying the right thing because honestly, there is no right thing to say. Grief can be all-consuming. Just being present and offering love and kindness is all that matters.